Open Letters

Dear whichever co-worker scratched out the label on my mail tray and wrote in the first name of the girl in the office next to me:

I realize that her last name and my last name are somewhat similar. They start and end with the same letter, and even sort of rhyme. But you know what? Miller and Mueller* are not the same name, and even though you apparently don't know it, I do exist and therefore need my mail tray.

I also realize that I went away for a week of vacation, but after 18 months of employment, I figured it would take longer than that for people to forget all about me.

Please note the new, larger name label I made for myself, and please keep your pen to yourself. Miller, Velocibadgergirl and Mueller, Stegosaurus are not the same girl.

Love,
~velocibadgergirl



Dear whichever neighbor left a big bag of garbage on the porch under the stairs, tucked in with my potted plants:

I know how easy it is to misplace large, bulging black bags of garbage, so I set yours out on the sidewalk for you. That way, when you get back from wherever you've gone, you'll see it and remember that you meant to take it to the dumpster. Or, when you leave it for days, the landlord can look at the mail you left on top and take the issue up with you personally. Asshole.

Toodles!
~velocibadgergirl



Dear Outlet Mall:

Five pairs of jeans (four for MB, one for me), two dress shirts for MB, and four bras for less than $200?

Te amo!
~velocibadgergirl



Dear Makers of Exquisite Form Fully Bras:

I will never again talk smack about wire-free bras for girls with big boobs. You have converted me.

Non-saggily yours,
~velocibadgergirl



Dear Mr. Kitters:

I realize that you have figured out that I'm putting a crushed-up pill in your canned food. Please eat it anyway. I really, REALLY don't want to have to stuff a pill down your throat. You really don't want me to have to do it, either. Eat up, fuzzball.

Trust me, it's for your own good. Please.

Love,
~velocibadgergirl



Dear M:

Thank you hinty for the darling photo collage of Liam! It went straight onto the front of my fridge. Tell Mr. Liam that his whole family is welcome in Indiana anytime. I have spoons waiting.

Love & smooches,
~velocibadgergirl



Reading:  Over Sea, Under Stone by Susan Cooper

Playing:  Pandora

* Not our real names. But the similarities are about the same.