The breath is the fire

As an adult I have grown out of most of the once-overt symptoms of my ADHD, just as my teen-years specialist predicted I would. I stopped taking Concerta when we started trying to conceive Nico and very luckily never needed to resume treatment. One thing I still have, something I definitely view as an asset, is an immense capacity for multitasking. At home and especially at work, I can bounce easily from project to project, holding several threads at all times. When I'm at my best it's exhilarating, and I skate along the knife's edge gleefully juggling chainsaws and machetes and live chickens. Even at rest, my brain kind of whirs along. It has always amazed me that I can ask MB as we're going to sleep, "What are you thinking about?" and he can honestly answer, "Nothing." I'm never not thinking about something, or several somethings, and it's always been this way.

I remember once when I was about eight years old, my dad set up our tent in the backyard and we had a practice camp-out. With the excitement of the adventure, I couldn't sleep. I told my dad I didn't know how to fall asleep and he advised me to just lie still and not think about anything. It was a mystifying concept. Not think of anything? I'd never done it. I tried and tried and can still recall one perfect moment of utter blankness, which startled me so much that I immediately started thinking about it. The closest I can usually get to not thinking is to think "Don't think! Stop thinking!" which is about as relaxing as you'd imagine.

Other than when I'm asleep - when I'm usually busy having vivid action-movie-style dreams - my best bet for finding moments of quiet and inner peace is to go to yoga class. I've been practicing yoga off and on since college, and I keep going back to it. Part of it is that my body just seems to really like yoga - I'm strong and flexible in the ways that work for yoga, and I like the calm of it. I did a weekly yoga class during my entire pregnancy with Nico and it was often a challenge to focus and not sit in a pose going over my grocery list or what we still needed to do for the baby's room. I went back for six months or so after Nico was born, but ended up dropping yoga in favor of cardio boot camp in the interest of getting the most bang for my once-a-week gym visit buck.

And then, almost exactly a year ago, a new-ish power yoga studio about three minutes from my house had a week of free classes and I went to one. It was my first real experience with Ashtanga yoga and it was one of those cliche-inspiring big-life-moment things, literally the best yoga class I'd ever been to in my life. I worked my ass off and sweated buckets and my body detoxed so hard that I felt like I had a hangover the next morning (to the point of waking up craving a breakfast egg biscuit and sucking down Advil and water all day). I felt awful and it was awesome. I went back two nights later and did it again. This yoga, it's work. I'm so busy just keeping up and keeping track of what we're doing that I don't think about anything for an hour and fifteen minutes, nothing but the breath and the flow and probably how bad my quads hurt. I love the practice and I love the people just as much. There are a few skinny girls with tiny boobs and pert yoga butts, but there are also girls my age with post-baby bellies and middle-aged men with soft middles. The owner and main instructor is one of the most kind and cheerful people I've met, but never in an annoying way. There's not a lot of chit-chat before class, but there's something great about fighting through some never-ending Warrior series and having the entire class let out a burst of relieved laughter along with you when the instructor finally says, "And…down to high plank."

One of my New Year's resolutions is to make it to Saturday yoga classes as often as possible now that I don't have to work every weekend. I went yesterday for the intermediate / advanced class and had my ass handed to me by a tiny, intense guest instructor. At the beginning she asked us to set an intention for our practice and I picked "peace," hoping I'd be able to let the hamster off the wheel and just be present in the moment. Then I was too busy sweating and trying to keep up with her to think about anything else. The thinking fired up again at the end, as I lay in corpse pose failing to be quietly at rest. And then, as if she could see me thinking, the instructor leaned over and adjusted my shoulders, repositioned my head, massaged my temples, and tapped me lightly in between the eyes with her finger before gliding off to fix someone else. We're all a work in progress, it seems.


Reading:  I'm With the Bears: Short Stories from a Damaged Planet

Playing:  a mix I made for a friend years ago

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Weekend of win

We had a weekend of actually being social, which we don't do often enough. Nico and I were invited to the children's museum by one of our playdate mom / kid pairs. It was a good trip, though I had a really hard time tearing Nico away from the rice bin and its assorted toy front loaders. Next time I might make him go through the rest of the exhibits first, but it's going to be difficult since he remembers the rice bin is there. I did, after two aborted attempts, get him to play in the water room with the other toddler for about half an hour. I felt kind of like a jerk before that because they'd invited us and given us guest passes, and then Nico didn't want to run around with his buddy, he just wanted to scoop rice, all day long. I try to let him direct his own experiences as much as possible in these kind of situations but come on, kid…don't be rude!


I recently reconnected with a once-close college friend via facebook. He and I had coffee a couple of weeks later, then MB and Nico and I met him for dinner one night, and then two Wednesdays in a row he went to a wine tasting with MB and hung out at our house afterward for games of Settlers of Catan. This past Saturday his fiancé was in town, so they both came over for dinner and assorted…social games? Blokus, Boxers or Briefs, and Mexican Train dominoes. What do you call those? They're not board games, but just "games" sounds kind of suggestive. Party games is kind of shady, too, plus it implies more people than four. Table games, maybe? It was a lot of fun and we're already looking forward to the next time we can get together.

Sunday was low key - some errands by myself and then lots of football. On Monday, Nico's library story time started back up after the winter break, so we went to that and then had a playdate with a different mom / kid pair. The last time we went to their house, Nico cried on my lap for twenty minutes before he'd even look at the other kids, but this time he was cheery and friendly from the minute we arrived. He played nicely with the other kid's toys, ate his lunch with gusto, and even helped me pick up before we left. Socialization success! And then this happened about three minutes after we departed:

Hee!

Overall, it was a pretty kickass weekend.


Reading:  (just finished) How to Get Divorced by 30:  My Misguided Attempt at a Starter Marriage by Sascha Rothchild

Playing:  this NPR tiny desk concert, over and over:



(the second track is my favorite)

Labels: friends, the brachiopod

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Multimedia

Read

I finished my first book of the year last night, the enjoyable Silence by Becca Fitzpatrick. In the previous two books (especially the second) I often found protagonist Nora gratingly shrill and stereotypically teenage-temper-tantrummy, but she was MUCH better in this one. Cliffhanger ending, though, just like the second book. Be warned.

Did I ever tell you about my favorite book from last year? I don't think I did. It was The Scorpio Races by Maggie Stiefvater. She wrote the Mercy Falls werewolves trilogy (Shiver, etc) which I liked quite a lot until I read The Scorpio Races. Maybe this is stupid to say about an author I totally don't know personally, but I feel like this was the book she was meant to write. The wolf books are entertaining - I really liked the first one, thought the second was so-so, and then liked the third one enough that it made me want to go back and start over - but this one, my God. It's wonderful. Highly, highly recommend. After reading the library's copy, I bought it in hardcover for myself which I never, ever do and then got it for my sister for Christmas.

Watch

I've ripped through the first disc of Daria from Netflix and have almost finished the second. I'm pleased to report that it does stand the test of time quite well. I'm enjoying it very much even as a more or less fully-fledged adult. I'm also watching bunches of football playoff games…am I the only one? Possibly.

Play

My new boss and I have heavily overlapping musical tastes and usually at least once a week he starts rocking out to something semi-obscure that I've loved forever on his computer and I turn around in my chair and exclaim, "Is that Black Rebel Motorcycle Club / the Cowboy Junkies / Regina Spektor?" Last week he called me over to his desk to play this for me, and I have been YouTubing the SHIT out of this chick (Trixie Whitley) ever since. Please listen, I don't think you'll be disappointed:




Reading:  Science Ink:  Tattoos of the Science Obsessed by Carl Zimmer

Playing:  an old mix I found while cleaning

Two

Dear Nico,

Today, Little Son, you are two. You are a beam of light, a ball of energy, a little piece of amazing. I never knew that I could love so much, that the love I felt for you yesterday, last week, a month ago, a year ago, it was all just the beginning.


Things I want to remember about you on the day you turn two:

You have a delicious, rich giggle.
You have the brightest eyes.
You have a sweet, tiny voice.
You have the softest curls.
You still have one tiny set of chub rolls left on your thighs and a round tummy.
You are a good kid, almost all the time.


You're big and healthy and bright, and I hope fervently every day that I can always say these things. Today is a day to brag, so let me indulge. You know your alphabet, both capitals and lowercase. You can count to ten and identify all the digits 1 - 10. You know all your colors and just about every shape, even the impressive ones like crescent and semicircle and trapezoid. You've started to learn the letters that words begin with, and can proudly tell me that "daddy" starts with D and "mama" starts with M. Your language skills have exploded over the last two months, both in enunciation and vocabulary.


You can play a 2 x 4 spread of Memory on the iPhone. You're getting better at sharing and playing with other kids. You almost always say "please" and we're working on "thank you" and "excuse me." Your favorite toys are trucks, but you're also starting to get into blocks. You love books, which is fabulous. Through you, with you, I'm learning to see the world all over again. And little dude, it is awesome. You are awesome. Happy, happy birthday.

Love,
Mama

Labels: the brachiopod

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