Bask in the glory!

Sometimes, my friends...sometimes the jokes nearly write themselves. I dropped off some cardboard at the recycling center last night, and found this priceless treasure at the top of the magazine bin:

Seventeen magazine, July 1984
Unfortunately, our scanner is not Vista-compatible, so you'll have to make do with some slightly blurry documentation.

You love his voice and marvel at his outrageous sense of style. Now with our "genuine imitation" Boy George braids, you can look Boy-ish, too!

Heaven Sent cologne...you don't have to be an angel to wear it! I'm not sure what disturbs me most--the model's opaque pink tights, which match her pink loafers, or the disembodied hand of her pink-shirted boyfriend off to the left there.

You know what? Forget about angels. Capture the magic of the unicorn with Magical Musk, the fragrance of hidden powers. Oh. My. GOD. Could this get any awesomer?

Unsure what shoes to wear with your painfully awful 80s shorts? Never fear! Seventeen has the answer! For your rad culottes, go for bouncy high-tops that sneak up over the ankle, and add one or two pairs of brightly colored socks for a funky, layered look. Stuck with highwaisted "walking shorts"? Go for loafers and folded-down socks--a classic reunion!

Check out this slammin' outfit!

Instead of an advertising spread selling a collection of clothes, this issue featured a spread of dresses that the reader could construct out of dishtowels. I am totally not making this up. In the back of the magazine, where one expects to see a list of items and prices, there was a small section of directions for how to assemble each dishtowel dress:

To make casing, sew bias tape on inside of skirt along one of the 78-inch edges, 1 inch down from edge and stopping 1 1/2 inches from each end of panel. Make a 1/2-inch buttonhole beside end of bias tape casing on each end of panel. What percentage of modern Seventeen readers would be able to follow this?

Even though it made the assumption that its readers took home ec and knew how to sew, this issue endeared itself to me by providing a "Mini Mag" feature on how to stand up for yourself:

Young women are often conditioned to believe assertiveness is unattractive--but the price of being "agreeable" can be surprisingly high...Having a clear idea of the treatment you're entitled to makes it easier to respond to challenges and demands. The New Assertive Woman, by Lynn Z. Bloom, Karen Coburn, and Joan Pearlman, lists the following points in a "Bill of Rights":  the right to have and express your own feelings and opinions; the right to be listened to and taken seriously; the right to say "no;" the right to get what you pay for; the right to make mistakes.

Finally, my dear friends, the most pressing question of all...


Why was former General Hospital bad boy and future beloved, bemulleted Uncle Jesse chosen as spokesceleb for a girls' depilatory cream? Wonders never cease.



Reading:  The Spymaster's Lady by Joanna Bourne. (My friend Tamsyn SWEARS it's good, even though it's a romance. I don't care how good it is, I am NOT reading it on my lunch breaks at work.)

Playing:  Godsmack