My day, by velocibadgergirl, age 27

6 AM:  Brand new day! Tra la, tra lee! Air conditioner might get fixed today! Walk the dog! Finish the laundry! Oh, happy morning!

8 AM:  Out of shower. Aiee! 8 AM! Dishwasher guy could be here at any moment. Must find pants!

9 AM:  Plumber also on the way, to find out why sump pump overflows every time we use the washing machine.

9:30 AM:  AC man will be here this afternoon! Hallelujah!

10:30 AM:  Plumber is here. Hooray! Oh, wait. So is dishwasher man. Whoops. Hope they don't mind.

11 AM:  New sump pump installed. Dishwasher man perplexed by whackass installation done by previous owners. I can only shrug and try really hard not to see his asscrack. Dude. The plumber kept his out of sight. Do the same.

11:15 AM:  Cat moseys into kitchen. Dishwasher man notes presence of cat. I note string of poop on cat's butt. Hope fervently that dishwasher man does not notice that my cat is unclean. (See how I didn't make a dirty pussy joke here? OH, wait.)

11:30 AM:  Foolishly assume dishwasher man closed gate when he left. Let dog out to pee. Chase dog down utility easement, keeping voice cheery while thinking OHMYGOD OHSHIT OHNO OHNO OHNO. Drag dog back to yard. Feel like a huge asshole for almost losing the best dog in the whole wide world.

11:35 AM:  Track down cat to wipe poop string off ass. Find that cat's ENTIRE ass is covered in poo. Cat has shit his fluffy knickers. Wail. Lock cat in office. Wail some more.

12 PM:  Hot! Grah! No AC! Pissy! Lunch of turkey bacon and toaster waffle.

1:30 PM:  AC man arrives. YAY!

1:45 PM:  Oh, wait. AC man can find nothing wrong with AC, except it's not drawing enough power. Advises me to call home warranty company back and request an electrician. Wait for AC man to leave, then WAIL.

1:55 PM:  Talk to girl at home warranty company who seems to ( A ) have marbles in her mouth ( B ) not understand what I'm explaining and ( C ) not believe that I'm telling the truth about what the AC man told me.

1:57 PM:  Wail.

2 PM:  Warranty chick tells me they have contacted an electrician. I thank her, hang up, and then lament that there's probably no way they'll make it out to see us today. Cat begins throwing hilarious human-like tantrums in his gated prison. He is throwing himself on the floor, grasping at the bars, and howling. Both hysterically funny and pitiful.

2:15 PM:  Electrical company calls. NO SHIT. Sending guy right away. NO WAILING HERE!

2:30 PM:  Problem was a blown fuse in the AC's independent breaker box, which I didn't even know about. Feel a little bit like an asshole for paying some dude $55 to change a damn fuse. Then decide I don't care because I have SWEET SWEET AIR CONDITIONING.

2:54 PM:  Plop down in front of vent with a glass of ice water to re-watch Project Runway on DVR. Pretend I don't have a shitty cat waiting to be bathed. Hush. Only Tim Gunn matters right now.