We had our semi-annual termite inspection today, and I had forgotten that the termite guy inspects the whole house. Including the upstairs bedrooms. Including our bedroom, which I did not think to straighten until it was too late. So there I sat, amusing Nico in the living room and trying desperately to remember just how bad things were. Did I dare to hope that the pile of clothes on the dresser wasn't as sloppy as I remembered? Or that the termite guy doesn't make his bed either and wouldn't judge us? Oh, God, did I leave that empty tampon box lying on the bathroom sink?! Then I decided that surely the termite guy has seen worse than whatever our room has to offer and tried to stop worrying about it. After all, a friend of mine once left a vibrator and a dirty magazine out on her bed and someone's parents stopped by unexpectedly to see the house. Another friend left her positive pregnancy test out on the coffee table and the next day her realtor brought someone by for a showing while she was at work. Nothing like that was on display today, of that I was certain.
But of course, of course when I went upstairs after he was gone, there were my two horribly unflattering worn out white nursing bras, flung willy-nilly on the dresser in plain sight. Just like the time we had electricians in the basement and I forgot until I had to go down there to show them something that my vast and unattractive bras were hanging out on the clothing rack to dry. Or the time that I didn't know the superintendent of the building where I work was going to be bringing construction guys around to measure the office and left my pumping bra draped across the back of the chair in the storage room, where they immediately went and turned on the lights so they could measure stuff. While I was sitting RIGHT THERE, seeing them seeing it, while we all pretended nobody saw anything.
Seriously, though, do you think people in professions that require them to see other people's homes tell stories back at work about all the weird or embarrassing shit they see? Does the termite guy have a notebook where he puts little hash marks down for all the bras and underpants and condom wrappers and sex toys he accidentally sees? And really, now I'm curious...I wonder what the weirdest thing is that he ever saw in someone's house. Hopefully it's not "vast scrungy white nursing bra."