Saturday, December 17, 2005

You so ugly...

A while back, I was inspired by a conversation with my friend K.W. to write a blog entry about ugly cars. I posted it on my first blog, which was set up on the webspace my husband and I have through our internet provider. In an attempt to go worldwide (because I lie to myself and say that someone other than three of my friends will read this), I switched to this blog. Alas, I never bothered to repost the old content. I think, however, that I finally have the patience to attempt it. Here goes:

The H2

The original civilian Hummer was not that bad. Sure, it was a road-hogging, gas-guzzling, small-penis-indicating monster of an SUV, but it had a special something. It was road-hogging and gas-guzzling and over-compensating in a way that reminded one of M*A*S*H and muscular action hero types. It had a certain virility to it, if you will. The Hummer was a bit ugly, but it was also a bit (a tiny bit) sexy:

Now let's consider the H2:

Same wide wheelbase. Similar body style from the dashboard back. The front? Oh, dear. The nose and grille look way too small. It reminds me of something you might see in a bad 80s sci-fi flick, where they were trying to make something look high-tech and futuristic, but instead made it embarrassingly bad. This homely face might be forgivable in a less gas-guzzling, less-over-compensating vehicle, but in an "I Am Manly" vehicle, it's just sad.

The Dodge Durango

How did something so wonderfully hot, the Dodge Ram, the epitome of sexy fullsized pickups...

...spawn something as ungainly-looking as the Dodge Durango? How does that wonderful silver grille look so out of place on such a similar body?

Alas, I think this will always be one of life's great mysteries.

Postscript: My friend Laura Danger says, "The only way the Dodge Durango could ever redeem itself would be if one ran over Paris Hilton, repeatedly."

The Honda Element

Criminy, what an ugly vehicle. The photos really don't do it justice. I've seen a few of them around town, and trust me...they're much less attractive in person. I find this picture especially amusing, because it's clear they want you to think this vehicle can go off-road. Have you seen the clearance on one of these bastards? Look at this!

It would get stuck trying to drive over a speedbump, let alone any kind of respectable obstacle. My mom's minivan had more clearance than this! You'd get about 50 feet into the forest, get hung up on an acorn, and have to call AAA to come tow you back to the highway.

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