You ain't got no alibi...2005.10.01

This is part two of my ugly car blogging fascination.

The 2005 Mustang



Let's start with a car that's not really that ugly, just to prove I'm not totally mean. The first few times I saw the 2005 Mustangs, I was appalled. I just could not see the appeal of melding new-Mustang-style curvy fenders with old-Mustang-style front and back ends. But the more I saw them, the more I liked them.

Now I can appreciate that they are pretty attractive--though nowhere near as sexy as the old school Mustangs...that kind of goes without saying. Still, for some reason when I look at one face-on, it makes me think of a puppy dog. Go figure.


The Dodge Magnum



This is the car that inspired my fascination with writing some blog entries about ugly cars. K.W. rented one for a trip, and the car ended up being dubbed "The Big American Penis." Previously, I had argued that only James Bond could pull off driving this car. Anyone else would just look ridiculous. This is a truly hideous car. It's so bulbous...like a station wagon without the quirky charm...like a sedan in need of rhinoplasty...like a...well, like a Big American Penis. There's really no other way to describe it.

Postscript: Laura Danger says, "The Dodge Magnum...giving soccer dads their balls back."


The Scion xB





This is the only vehicle on the planet that makes the Honda Element look a little less heinous. I appreciate the ecological significance of the Scion. I dream of one day owning a hybrid, but in my dreams hybrid cars look more like normal cars. They certainly don't look like the Element's homelier sister. There are 3 models of Scion, and I'll admit I chose the ugliest one to poke fun at, but then again, that's kind of the point.


Here's the Toyota Prius:



This is not an overly attractive car, either, but it's a lot better than the previous example. If you squint a little, you can almost imagine that the Prius is a space-age Volkswagen Beetle. Almost.

You so ugly...

A while back, I was inspired by a conversation with my friend K.W. to write a blog entry about ugly cars. I posted it on my first blog, which was set up on the webspace my husband and I have through our internet provider. In an attempt to go worldwide (because I lie to myself and say that someone other than three of my friends will read this), I switched to this blog. Alas, I never bothered to repost the old content. I think, however, that I finally have the patience to attempt it. Here goes:

The H2

The original civilian Hummer was not that bad. Sure, it was a road-hogging, gas-guzzling, small-penis-indicating monster of an SUV, but it had a special something. It was road-hogging and gas-guzzling and over-compensating in a way that reminded one of M*A*S*H and muscular action hero types. It had a certain virility to it, if you will. The Hummer was a bit ugly, but it was also a bit (a tiny bit) sexy:



Now let's consider the H2:



Same wide wheelbase. Similar body style from the dashboard back. The front? Oh, dear. The nose and grille look way too small. It reminds me of something you might see in a bad 80s sci-fi flick, where they were trying to make something look high-tech and futuristic, but instead made it embarrassingly bad. This homely face might be forgivable in a less gas-guzzling, less-over-compensating vehicle, but in an "I Am Manly" vehicle, it's just sad.

The Dodge Durango

How did something so wonderfully hot, the Dodge Ram, the epitome of sexy fullsized pickups...



...spawn something as ungainly-looking as the Dodge Durango? How does that wonderful silver grille look so out of place on such a similar body?



Alas, I think this will always be one of life's great mysteries.

Postscript: My friend Laura Danger says, "The only way the Dodge Durango could ever redeem itself would be if one ran over Paris Hilton, repeatedly."

The Honda Element



Criminy, what an ugly vehicle. The photos really don't do it justice. I've seen a few of them around town, and trust me...they're much less attractive in person. I find this picture especially amusing, because it's clear they want you to think this vehicle can go off-road. Have you seen the clearance on one of these bastards? Look at this!



It would get stuck trying to drive over a speedbump, let alone any kind of respectable obstacle. My mom's minivan had more clearance than this! You'd get about 50 feet into the forest, get hung up on an acorn, and have to call AAA to come tow you back to the highway.

You're not paranoid if they really are out to get you

Or, I might've been right about that whole American dream thing:

College debts and broken dreams

Sometimes, I'd rather be wrong...

Reading: Killing Bono, by Neil McCormick

Playing: Plans--Death Cab for Cutie, All That You Can't Leave Behind, U2

I love this article:

The Straight Dude's Guide to 'Brokeback'

'Brokeback,' of course, being Brokeback Mountain, the upcoming movie in which Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal fall in love with each other. I'm definitely going to see this one, even if I can't find anyone to be my date. It's supposed to be a fantastic film (review here). My only concern is making sure my dad does not see it. He will be quite traumatized if he goes merrily into the theater expecting horses and lovely mountain vistas and then experiences an altogether different kind of scenery.