Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Dildos and Scrotum-Ripping Teeth...aren't you glad you visited?

Several absurd (and in some cases horrible) things made me laugh a lot today.

First of all, are you aware that VH1 is premiering a new reality program next week called The White Rapper Show? That's sort of comedy gold by itself, but the commercial they were running tonight was even better, in a sick way. It shows some kind of incredibly white-trash altercation with lots of cussing and some pixelated-out objects / hand gestures. Then two K-Fed-like white rappers explain.

K-Fedlet #1: "So she brings out a dildo and puts it on that man's mouth."

K-Fedlet #2: *pained, but without irony*  "That's not a good look, bro."

After I'd seen this gem of a commercial once or twice, I switched over to TLC to catch Miami Ink. About halfway through the episode, four blonde tanorexic models came into the shop so one of them could get tattooed by Chris Nunez. They were nearly identical, with the same fake tans and super blonde hair, and the lead model had very large, very fake boobs. At some point while they were squeeing and prancing about in microscopic clothing (no joke...I have not-entirely-granny-panties boyshort underpants that are larger than the jean shorts one girl was wearing. UNDERPANTS, people. KNICKERS larger than those shorts.), MB wandered through the room.

MB: "What the hell?"

VBG: "They're models."

MB: "They must've fallen from the ugly tree."

VBG: *laughing hysterically* "That's not very nice."

MB: "For starters, they're orange." *points to head model* "What color is that? That is not natural."

Chris Nunez, on TV: "It took me awhile to do the tattoo, because she kept letting me kiss her neck."

VBG: "Gah, Chris Nunez, you don't know where that's been!"

MB: "What the hell?!"

Finally, the first (and best) thing that made me laugh today. Luckily, my boss stepped out of the office right before I took a blog break and read this, because I nearly sprained something trying to suffocate my laughter.

From Blogapotamus Rex:

"As it turned out, this particular nativity did not feature cattle, but rather sheep, goats and interestingly enough, a large llama. While the Bible doesn't specifically say anything about a llama in the stable at Bethlehem, I imagine that it was more the thought that counted and maybe a docile enough cow couldn't be found. Llamas don't fit well into the Nativity story; partly because they come from the other side of the world and partly because they're ornery bastards. The llama in this particular tableau, however, seemed to be fairly well behaved. Until the annunciation to the shepherds when two members of the youth group came flapping up the aisle dressed as angels, at which point the llama, who had been a pretty good sport up til this point, went "Shit! Angels!" and tried to make a break for it."

I emailed this excerpt to my friend KJ, who said, "Well, that's exactly why the first thing any angel says to someone it's visiting is 'Be Not Afraid.' They had that bad experience with llamas, way back."

With the three sets of teeth designed to rip out a competitor's scrotum during a fight, I can see why llamas get respect from even the Heavenly Host.

"Hark, what?"


  1. Damn! I had no idea that llamas were that well equipped for scrotum ripping. It seems like a strangely awkward thing to do in a fight, however, when you're shaped like a llama...

  2. Anonymous8:01 AM

    Oh my heavens that was hysterical.

    Jeff and I cracked up at the hoochies on Miami Ink too.

    Her little Barbie Star...cracked me right up.

    Note to Self: Remind me never to tell my husband and son never to piss off a llama. Another reason to be glad I don't have testicles.

  3. BAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHA! And some more laughing after that!