Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Dear fellow Barnes & Noble patrons,


If you were eavesdropping on our conversations tonight (as some guy blatantly did last week, to the point where he stopped pretending to read, stared intently at us, and laughed whenever we made a joke that was not in any way at all directed at him. Slightly creepy.), I hope you found it amusing when Danger and I discussed the following topics:


>>the fact that, though we're both straight, we'd both totally do Angelina Jolie

>>the fact that the scrotum is the least attractive part of the human anatomy

>>why some men who are totally against homosexuality between men are okay with lesbians

>>llamas

>>possums, marsupials, monotremes

>>how Danger wants to have sex with Batman (alas, she's married)

>>invasive species, including feral cats and feral pigs

>>deer reduction

>>vegetarianism

>>what MB and I might possibly nickname far-off-in-the-future spawn while they are still enwombed (Danger's suggestion, M&M, caused me to state that I'd blame her if the kid turned out to be a white rapper. Skittle was suggested. I went with something that my friend T and I came up with jointly today...the Dread Fetus Roberts (No, our last name is not Roberts). By the time we're ready to breed, I'll have likely forgotten this entire discussion ever took place.)

>>vagaries of the English language

>>abuse of logic and linguistic arguments

>>Danger's love for NPR

>>farmer's markets and co-ops

>>chickens

>>the effect of outdoor cats on the environment

>>bilingual children and language centers in the brain

>>Aqua Teen Hunger Force

>>the recent films of Alfonso Cuaron (Children of Men), Guillermo del Toro (Pan's Labyrinth), and Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu (Babel)--we've yet to see any of the three

>>The Count of Monte Cristo (the 2002 film)

>>the kickassness of Bill Bryson's The Mother Tongue, which I'm currently reading

>>libertarians

>>the complications of a fear-based obedience to God

>>taxidermied bears which may have got a bad rap, even though one starred in a nightmare I had at age four that I still recall with crystal clarity near on 22 years later (And, is it weird that I've now worked at THREE places with taxidermied animals in residence?)

>>bifurcated penises

14 comments:

  1. 1. Julie and Andy have nicknamed their wombling "Sheldon". But the "Dread Fetus Roberts" works so well you you guys...

    2. Who *wouldn't* wanna do Angelina Jolie??

    3. Haha...bifurcated penii.....:D

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  2. - sorry, i don't get the angelina jolie thing. i personally think she is funny looking, as is julia roberts.

    - those men are not okay with lesbians, they are turned on by lesbians. this is because they lack basic concepts of logic. they see two girls and think, "ooo, me and two girls." this is contrary to the logical conclusion that those two girls want nothing to do with those guys sexually.

    - "dread fetus roberts" is perfect for the future badger spawn.

    - bifrucated penises = hilarious. well, as a conversation topic; having one would totally suck.

    - the batman thing does not suprise me, at all. dark, brooding, kicks total ass. right up danger's alley.

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  3. Anonymous7:13 AM

    You crack me right up.

    All this from one long continuous conversation....I love it.

    I have to second the Angelina thing..I don't see what 90% of the population does...at all.

    A man thinking about being the meat between that girl sandwich are NOT thinking about these women wanting to only please each other..he's thinking about these 2 women pleasing HIM. It's a guy thing and you have to have a penis to understand how they make that leap...

    Just the thought of FUTURE Badger children..makes me giddy..I don't care what you nickname that child..

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  4. Evilducky779:37 AM

    Batman=yes

    Angelina Jolie=hella no

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  5. Anonymous10:42 AM

    Why can't my B&N have good people to eavesdrop on dammit! Next time I'm so gotta be a fly on the wall (then drop fly juice on you if you mention doing Angelina Jolie. EWWWWWWWWWWWW) But, uh, I second the idea of offspring of yours making me giddy. My husband likes to ask when you guys might reproduce. Wants to make sure we move in time. ;)

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  6. Anonymous11:57 AM

    Bifurcated..? How? Where, exactly? I'd google, but I'm scared to...

    T

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  7. Anonymous2:07 PM

    Ok. I'm so glad I stopped by today! That's all hysterical! How long were you AT B&N for?... It's rude to evesdrop, but having said that if I was overhearing that conversation I think I may have just come over and pulled up a chair.

    I wouldn't want to do Angelina Jolie... I don't know, I just don't find her attractive? Sit and chat perhaps, but "do"? no.

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  8. Angelina Jolie?! *shivers with disgust* I had no idea you felt this way.

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  9. Anonymous9:07 AM

    "Dread Fetus Roberts." I'm just glad I wasn't eating or drinking because I'd need a Heimlich provider and/or a screen and keyboard cleaner.

    You've made my brain's day. Thank you.

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  10. Danger2:33 PM

    In context what I said was "If I had to have sex with a woman, it would totally be Angelina Jolie." There's nothing wrong with speculating about a same sex fling, unless it's with Paris "I'll Put Anything In My Vagina" Hilton.

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  11. It's not the same-sex thing that bothers me. No,it's just Angelina Jolie. Sorry. But I totally agree with what you said about Paris Hilton.

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  12. paris hilton = uber-icky. plus, she might try and talk to you and then your brains would leak out of your head from the shear stupidity.

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  13. Anonymous3:12 PM

    But please tell me: what *are* the effects of god-fearing feral cats on the environment?

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  14. I can't be sure, but I think they set up tiny little chapels all over the place, with no regard for the ecosystems they damage during construction. ;)

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