I Love my Girlie-Bits Doctor
When I was an awkward, self-conscious teenager, I always thought that going to see a gynecologist would be the most awful, embarrassing experience. I put it off as long as possible after turning 18, but finally my desire to be on the pill weighed out my fear of showing my Bits to somebody I'd never met. My mom spotted an ad in the paper for a young, friendly-looking female OBGYN who had just set up a practice at the brand new women's hospital in town and was taking patients. We got appointments, and I've been going to her ever since.
Today as I was waiting around in my non-paper, very nice cloth robe, I heard the following exchange outside the door:
Girlie-Bits Nurse 1: You're getting so close! Were your other kids easy deliveries?
Pregnant Lady: No...
Pregnant Lady's Husband: She's actually still pregnant with our five-year-old.
GBNs, PL: *laughter*
PL: It took about ten days of not much happening before I was ready to have the first one.
Girlie-Bits Nurse 1: Well...sex helps the cervix to dilate. You know that, right?
Girlie-Bits Nurse 2: Not that I enjoyed it in the least when I was that far along.
PLH: You need to get some men in this office.
GBNs: *hysterical laughter*
GBN 1: This is shop-talk for us.
GBN 2: It's like discussing oil changes.
PLH: Yeah...but I can't believe you just said that out loud. Is there a website where I can lodge a complaint or something?
GBN 1: You can leave it with me.
GBN 2: It'll go really far.
GBN 1: The website's on the card.
PLH: I don't have a card.
GBN 1: That's because you're not a patient! You can be if you want to be, though.
GBN 2: Yeah, just head on back and we'll send the doctor to examine you.
PLH: I think next week we need to have our appointment an hour earlier. It's the witching hour in here or something. *on his way out, to husband of next pregnant couple* Run away while you can, bud! Take it from me!
Then the Girlie-Bits Doctor showed up, and my exam was about 7 minutes long. She makes having Bits so damn easy, I tell you.
After the exam, I was waiting at the counter to make my next appointment, and the nurse took a call from out in the delivery wing of the hospital. Apparently one of the doctor's patients was prepped and ready for her C-section. The doctor finished up quickly with the patient she was examining, and headed out the door, saying, "Let me go take care of this C-section, and I'll be right back." Her tone was like that of someone saying, "Let me run out and get some salad for the unexpected dinner guests. I'll be right back." I have to tell you, it instills confidence to see a Girlie-Bits Doctor that unflappable and calm.
While I'm on the subject of Bits, I would also like to remind all of my Girlie-Bits-possessing friends under the age of 26 who read this to please go get your HPV vaccines. They're recommended for all women of our age, and even though most of you guys are single now, that's not guaranteed to last forever. So please, get thy Bits to a Girlie-Bits doctor and get your vaccine!
Dude, I've read 3 blogs today, not including my own in which the girly bits examination had taken place. Is it girly bits time?
ReplyDeleteAlso, a huge endorsement to my own girly bits examiner who RULED and made the horrible (someone I read called it a faux mascara wand) PAP a little more pap-tastic.
Faux mascara wand! BAAAHAHAHA! That's a perfect description. My doctor is so good with the nice banter that I barely notice the wanding until it's over. She rocks my socks.
ReplyDeleteShe's also a flatterer, as she enthused that I will be "so much fun to take care of!" as a future pregnant lady.
Having a good girly bits doctor is awesome. My GP is also my GPD and she's not so bad, not so bad at all! :)
ReplyDeletesince i have no insurance, no money, and no sex, i think my bits will keep for now, but thanks for the thought.
ReplyDeleteExcellent public service announcement VBG :)
ReplyDeleteI got my HPV vaccine and sent an email to all my friends. I'm turning 26 in June and will be getting my 3rd HPV vaccine in May :) -my insurance only covers it if you're under 26, so those of you on the eve of 26 like me, get thyself to the doctor-
I was so scared of my first Bits visit - it was a huge pain to find a woman doctor (which seemed very important to me at the time) and I had to wait a lot longer for an appointment. I FINALLY went in for my appointment with the lovely Dr. Kim. The visit went really well and at the end we were discussing which kind of birth control I wanted. Then she throws in, "I really like the patch but my partner finds that the pill works better for her."
ReplyDeleteSo despite all my fussing, I ended up with a lesbian OB. I've been laughing at that one for 6 years now.
I'm convinced that if I ignore my girlie bits, they don't exist. Please, don't let my girlie bits know about this. It can be our little secret. I'd like to keep logic and reality (and non-girlie bits, if you catch my meaning) as far from them as possible for as long as possible. Maybe even indefinitely. ;)
ReplyDeleteWhy would lesbians need the patch or the pill?? I'm confused. . .
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking she probably meant her 'partner' at the practice .. not her partner in life.
ReplyDeleteAlso, a lot of people take it for regulation / simplicity, for health reasons (endometriosis, for example), or to clear up their skin.
ReplyDeleteI so need a good girly-bits doctor. Where are you? Can I sleep over the night before and we can paint our nails crimson and drink froufy drinks/
ReplyDeleteI live in Indiana...quite a jaunt from the Berkshires. But I'd love to have a nail-painting, froufy drink-sipping slumber party with you!
ReplyDelete