"I half-expected you to come back to town in a fennel wreath and paper pants."

I spent the whole damn day preparing supplies for a science workshop that's taking place this weekend. I don't really mind, in that the workshop program is one of my favorite parts of my job, but I thought I'd be there for two, three hours. Maybe four. Certainly not eight. Days off? Psssh! Days off are for pansies!

There are two classes, one in the morning and one in the afternoon, and all told, the 60 kids attending will be making three kinds of slime. Since letting 30 six- through eight-year-olds measure their own ingredients at once is always a risky proposition, and since I've learned through experience that the instructors won't have time to do it on the spot, I spent the morning pouring out tiny little cups of glue, liquid starch, and water. Five-ounce plastic cups for the glue, then Dixie cups for the water and for the starch. Each set of cups was neatly arranged in a plastic tub, labeled, and then covered with cling wrap. I ran into my boss after he'd been in the storage room where my tubs were laid out, and he said, "It looks like a Branch Davidian compound down there!" (I told him not to drink the Kool-Aid.)

I was feeling pretty proud of myself as I headed off to WalHell for one last supply run, I have to admit. But then I came back, and it turns out that Dixie cups apparently aren't meant to hold liquid longer than it takes to transport said liquid from its source to your mouth. Who knew? My cups of water were starting to get a little floppy and soppy. The starch cups were soaking up the starch and starting to leak. It would be an understatement to say that I was less than pleased with this new development, especially since it was 2:30 by this point, and I'd hoped to be on my way at 3:00 at the very latest. I quite desperately wanted to engage in some Hulk smash!-style retribution, but I simply didn't have the time. Looking back, I'm immensely glad that I discovered the Dixie cup problem this afternoon instead of at 8 AM on Saturday when I showed up for work with 45 minutes to finish setting up the classroom.

Once I'd transferred all the starch and water to more five ounce plastic cups, rearranged them in their tubs, and re-covered them with cling wrap, I moved on and measured out thirty 1/2 cup portions of cornstarch and thirty 1/4 cup portions of water into plastic dishes with lids. I left those stacked in small pyramids on the table, so if anyone wanders through there tomorrow, it's going to look like a really eccentric drug lab. I'll have to try to remember to take my camera to work on Saturday so I can capture some photos of the results of my anal-retentive tendencies for posterity. It is both impressive and frightening, the way I thrive on meticulously arranging the minute.



Things that will be legalized when I am President

This is Spring Break week for the kids in my hometown, so work has been crawling with all kinds of people. Most of them are decent, normal people, but some seem to be functionally illiterate and lacking in any concept of proper behavior. When I am President, it will be legal--nay, required--for employees of public institutions to yell out supportive things like "Read the directions, you ignorant ass!" Also, people who stand in front of the sign on the door that says 'theatre opens 10 minutes before showtime' and right beside the sign that says 'showtime 1 PM' at 11 AM or 2 PM or 4 goddamn PM and rattle the door incessantly or pound on it...those people get tasered.

Further, it will be perfectly legal to egg the cars of all those who throw cigarette butts out of their car windows. It is an enduring fantasy of mine to keep a carton of eggs under my seat so that I might lob one at people who litter while driving.



Desperately seeking a helpful technological type

I've been asked to make this site Bloglines-friendly, and I am glad to do so...except I seem to be too damn dumb to figure out how. I went into my dashboard and told Blogger to enable feeds for my page, but nothing changed. I tried signing up for Bloglines, but that just resulted in being asked to choose the feeds I want to receive. Hmm. Then I tried setting up an RSS feed like all the cool kids have, and that was even more confusing. So, if anyone with a clue reads this...a little help? I prostrate myself before the much-more-intelligent denizens of the web. Lead me to enlightenment, I beg you, before I hurt myself.



Are you watching this?


If not, you're missing out. It is FANTASTIC.



Reading: Gorgon:  Paleontology, Obsession, and the Greatest Catastrophe in Earth's History by Peter D. Ward (it's really good so far)


Playing: Begin to Hope by Regina Spektor