Let's talk about sex, baby

(a.k.a. the post in which I destroy any lingering illusions that I am ladylike)

Specifically, let's talk about sex toys. No, I'm not going to get personal. Don't worry. Even if I owned sex toys, I definitely wouldn't tell anyone about it on the internet. However, I do find them sort of oddly fascinating, as a whole. Not so much the fact that they exist, because that does make total sense, but the sheer variety. I thought about adding pictures to this post (and trust me, I found some great ones), but that would render it completely and utterly not safe for work, and I don't want to risk getting anyone in trouble.

I've only been to one sex shop ever. Back when Danger and MacGyver got married, I was the maid of honor. I had an absolutely kickass dress, but the back of the dress from the waist up was just criss-crossed cords. I wish I had a good picture of it, because it's gorgeous. I'm still pissy that my tatas are too bodacious for that dress now. Anyway, I needed a strapless, super low-backed bra. And I'm a bit...well, chesty. So bra shopping for plain old regular bras can be a challenge. This was like DEFCON 3 of undergarment shopping, and I had to call in the troops.

I somehow happened upon the idea that the local sex-toy and naughty gear shop might have some kind of merry widow / bustier type thing I could wear, so the trusty Danger accompanied me. It may amuse you to know that, at this point in my life, I was still technically a virgin (but not really all that innocent). Before we found bras to try on, we were of course side-tracked by the vast assortment of sex toys on display--dildos and vibrators and whips and games and pretty much everything else you can imagine at a place that uses the slogan "where fun and fantasy meet." There was a swing, people. I remember being most perplexed by the variety of patterns and colors of dildos, and the fact that said dildos were being marketed on the strength of these patterns and colors.

In a way, I can see how that's the only way to go with a basic vibrator. I mean, a plastic penis is a plastic penis is a plastic penis when you're just talking about the really basic non-enhanced faux unit, so the manufacturers have to come up with some way for their products to stand out in a crowd. But I have to say that when I saw one that had a Hawaiian print slapped all over and was marketed as some kind of island paradise experience, I had to wonder why my hoo-ha should care what color vibrator I might pick out for it. I really doubt that my vajayjay has color vision.

Plus, wouldn't there be pressure to make sure your toy didn't clash with your bedroom decor? I've always been under the impression that the really with-it girls usually make sure they put on a bra that matches their underpants most days, and I can't even manage that. How would I ever be able to make sure my sheets, blankets, and choice of wall art matched the mood evoked by a hibiscus-print plastic penis?


Naturally, thinking about our long-ago trip to the sex shop got me wondering...how many variations on a theme are there, really? How many weird nubs and ridges and sparkle glitter polymers and animal-shaped enhancements can be added to the basic phallic stand-in? Turns out, quite a lot of 'em. As you may be able to tell from the strange stuff I've researched in the past (like Barbie, roly-polies, and the 1811/1812 New Madrid earthquakes), I tend to be immensely curious about things. It's just the way the science major mind works, I think. So of course thinking about writing this post led to some online research, and man...it's a whole new world out there. Again, I'm not going to post pics, but there is some crazy stuff on the net, and some pretty fun-looking stuff, too. The best site I found was Good Vibrations, which I felt to be very female-centered, very non-threatening, and completely non-scuzzy. Don't check it out at work, though.

Now, I have no problem with any kind of sex toys. I'm about as open-minded as you can get when it comes to sex, and even stuff I'd never do, I've got no problems with other people doing it, as long as it's all consensual and no one's getting hurt. But some of this stuff? If I opened a drawer and it was in there, it would seriously take me some time to figure out what the hell it was supposed to do. And considering that animal print sheets are pretty much the epitome of bedding sleaze, I have to say that an animal print vibrator would totally out-skank an animal print bedding set. Say no. Just say no.



PS The gods wanted me to write this post. I started it, had to leave for a volunteer meeting, and then came back to find the following in my Google search stats for the day: "menorah dildo holder." Who am I to argue with destiny?

PPS I now officially have reason to hope that my parents don't ever decide to join the world of internet access. And maybe a good reason not to email a link to my little sister. Bollocks.



Reading: Garbage land : on the secret trail of trash by Elizabeth Royte, Skulls and bones : a guide to the skeletal structures and behavior of North American mammals by Glenn Searfoss


Playing: Eye to the Telescope by KT Tunstall