Journal of Billbo Catkins, Future Emperor of the World
Entry #476

The Squishy One has been gone for days now, and the Pointy One shows no signs of going out to fetch her. This is a slightly alarming development, for while it means there is less of the so-called "grooming" and "trimming," there are also less tasty things from the yellow jar in the kitchen and of course, no Squishy One to make bread upon when I get sleepy.

I've been keeping the Pointy One company on the bed at night, and I know he thinks it's because I miss the Squishy One, but really it's because I can't stand it when he cries. Also, I figure it never hurts to suck up, even if so far he shows no signs of doing me any favors.

The One That Takes Over the Salad Room and the One That Lives With the Tiny Pink Things have been over a lot, which kind of sucks since I'm still pissed at the OTTOTSR and I'm always worried that the OTLWTTPT will bring said Pink Things over when he visits. God, they're freaky. They look just like the various large Ones, but they're small. And high-pitched.

Yesterday that damn squirrel was back, prancing around on the back porch like he owns the place. He still owes me $400 from that poker game last fall. Tell you what...one day soon I'll figure out how to open this sliding door, and then we'll see who's laughing. Cheeky little bastard.

I'm getting off-subject, though. Where did I leave off last time? Ah, yes. The problem of thumbs. Over the last few years living with the Squishy One and the Pointy One, I've been able to teach myself lots of useful skills. Imagine my glee when I realized that I landed in a family where the Pink Things would actually encourage me to practice trying to open doors. Fools. Unfortunately, even with their complicity, my efforts led nowhere. It seems that opposable thumbs really are necessary for the operation of a doorknob. Damn. I will figure it out, given time. That I can promise.

I've also made a lot of progress setting up my network of supporters. The regional net has been cast, and I'm almost ready to go national. It looks like it should be up and running by--

Uh-oh. The Pointy One just pulled into the parking lot. I'd better cut this short. Until next time, my minions, keep the faith.