Things that have actually been said at work recently
(Please note that I do not work at a pet store.)
"Somebody hold my squirrel."
"Were you the one I was talking to about the chicken?"
"Can you shoot up my turtle?"
"Here, lock this bat in the conference room."
"I want to buy your black rat snake!" (Answer: "Well, you can't." Unspoken subtext: "Take your batshittery elsewhere, madam.")
"Do you have the one on oral abcesses in box turtles? That seems like a good one."