Things that have actually been said at work recently

(Please note that I do not work at a pet store.)

"Somebody hold my squirrel."

"Were you the one I was talking to about the chicken?"

"Can you shoot up my turtle?"

"Here, lock this bat in the conference room."

"I want to buy your black rat snake!" (Answer: "Well, you can't." Unspoken subtext: "Take your batshittery elsewhere, madam.")

"Do you have the one on oral abcesses in box turtles? That seems like a good one."