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The Jung and the Restless

Lately I've been wishing I could tell you about work, but since that's just dumb I thought instead I'd tell you about a dream I had about work last night. A couple of weeks ago, Shauna over at Pickles & Dimes wrote a post about stress dreams. I'm not sure this one counts as a stress dream, but without revealing too much I can guarantee this one was inspired by work responsibilities. You'll just have to trust me on that one, I guess. Is it stupid to blog about dreams? Is that one of those things that you're not supposed to do? Fuck it, I can't remember, so here you go:

In my dream, I was at work (even though it wasn't the same setting as my actual work) and someone had put me in charge of taking care of a bald eagle. I took it outside to exercise or something (I don't even know) and it got away from me. I guess it was sick or injured, because it was running around on the ground, not flying. As soon as I let it down to do its thing, two other eagles showed up to run around with the first one. So naturally at that point I'm doubly freaking out because first, the eagle I'm in charge of is getting away and second, they all look the same and I'm not 100% sure anymore which eagle I'm supposed to be catching.

I chased the eagles around the edge of the building and as I did, I noticed a dead deer lying up against the wall…as if it had been left there to feed something. Then I saw another one, alive but with an injured leg, and the (metaphorical) warning bells started going off. Sure enough, the next thing I saw was a goddamn mountain lion, which had previously been trying to take down the deer but now was looking at me like I might be tasty. In real life I probably would've just froze on the spot or wet my pants or something, but in my dreams I'm apparently fast, sensible, and blessed with convenient architecture. I turned to the building, which I suddenly realized was the church I attended as a kid, and climbed the exterior stairs, which were kind of like a fancy fire escape and definitely something my subconscious added only for ass-saving purposes. My thought was that it would take the mountain lion a moment to figure out how to follow me, hopefully enough of a moment that I could get inside. I was right, I did make it inside, and I saw my cousin MacGyver standing in line for Communion. I sidled up and hissed, "There is a freaking MOUNTAIN LION out there!"

If you know my cousin MacGyver in real life this next part will make total sense to you. Instead of staying inside and out of the mountain lion's reach, MacGyver decided he needed to advance the dream plot by going outside to investigate. As soon as he stepped out of the doors onto the top of the staircase, the mountain lion came up the steps. Clear as anything, I saw a woman about my age walking on the sidewalk below us with a toddler in a stroller. She spotted the mountain lion and froze, MacGyver was clearly planning to take one for the team, and I was telling him, "Dude, get inside! The doors open outward, it won't be able to pull them open. GET INSIDE!" The mountain lion, with true cinematic flair, grabbed MacGyver and slowly pulled him down but didn't run off.

And then, in another totally cinematic and ridiculous dream moment, I looked down and saw Nico's doll lying on the landing. I picked it up and chucked it past the mountain lion, who leapt to chase the bait. As the lion leapt away, the mother came racing up the stairs with her kid. I hauled MacGyver to his feet and inside, got the lady and her kid inside, and then pulled the door shut just as the mountain lion arrived. I don't know what happened next, because by this point I think I was conscious of the fact that I was dreaming and that it was not restful. So I woke up and -- having no one awake in my house to tell of this absurd experience -- posted to facebook: "OMFG. Just woke myself up dreaming that my cousin and I were being chased by a goddamn mountain lion. NO MORE COOKIE DOUGH BEFORE BED."

My favorite part of the whole thing might be the first comment my facebook post received, from another of my cousins who said: "Whoa whoa whoa…which cousin?!" Don't worry, it wasn't you!

Bittersweet, but mostly sweet

MB and I would never claim to be perfect parents, but we strive to be consistent. If we tell Nico he has to eat five carrots before he can have a treat, he can't have the treat after four carrots. If we tell him he'll get a timeout if he bellyflops onto the dog and he does it anyway, he has to go to timeout. Sometimes, though, the need to be consistent collides with Nico being two. One night when MB was working late, I asked Nico if he'd like some chicken and sweet potato fries for dinner. He chirped, "Eat some chicken and fries!" so I got them ready while he ate a banana. Once his dinner was on his plate, predictably, he didn't want it. He ate one fry and then played with his chicken while I sat next to him and stewed. Then I realized how stupid it was to be outraged over a toddler's eating habits and turned him loose to play with his toys. Life's too short to fret over uneaten chicken, right?

Another thing we're big on is asking Nico to try new things. He doesn't have to like or clear his plate of every new food, but we want him to try a bite before he refuses it. He doesn't have to go down the slide at the park if he doesn't like it, but it thrills us when he gives it a shot. We really work to find a balance point where we're not pushing him too far too fast but instead are gently encouraging him outside his comfort zone and teaching him that it's okay to take chances because we've got his back. Maybe we're putting too much thought into this considering how young he is, but my gut tells me it's the right approach. We're kind of making it up as we go, but isn't everyone?


This article made the rounds of my Facebook friends' walls a few weeks back and though I don't find my single child particularly challenging, it was good to read that having multiple kids isn't always harder than one. A particular passage really resonated with me:

To become a mother, I had to learn how to care about someone more than I did about myself, and that was terrible. But who I am now is something more terrible: the protector who can’t always protect; the one with arms that are designed to hold, always having to let go.

Dear mother of only one child, don’t blame yourself for thinking that your life is hard. You’re suffering now because you’re turning into a new woman, a woman who is never allowed to be alone. For what? Only so that you can become strong enough to be a woman who will be left.

When I had only one child, she was so heavy. Now I can see that children are as light as air. They float past you, nudging against you like balloons as they ascend.

Only a few evenings before the article made the circuit, I was nearly overcome by despair as I lay in bed thinking about the fact that Nico will be grown and gone in such a short time. That's the goal, of course, to raise a capable and grounded child who can stand on his own two feet as a fully functional adult. But it breaks my heart all the same, to think of my sweet boy leaving, maybe moving across the country and only coming to visit a few times a year. I'll deal with it and survive it and learn to be strong enough to be left. In the meantime, I figure the best thing I can do is try to enjoy my time with Nico as much as possible.


The library where we go for Nico's 0 - 24 month story time also has a Monday morning program for kids ages 2 - 5. We didn't have any plans today other than library time, so I thought we'd stay for the toddler program and see how Nico liked it. He usually needs a few tries at a new experience before he enjoys it, so I didn't have huge hopes. Really, though, it was pretty great. I let Nico decide his own level of involvement and it worked out well. The librarian passed around a touch bag with a stuffed toy inside, and Nico put his hand inside with mine. She read a story about an owl being frightened by bumps in his bed that turn out to be his own feet under the blankets, and Nico sat with the older kids to listen. She had the kids act out the story by sitting in a circle with their feet tucked under the edge of a sheet, and to my surprise Nico sat down and tucked his feet under, too. (He didn't stay for the acting part, but I was thrilled that he tried it.)

The program ended with the kids making a little owl puppet out of a paper bag. Nico hasn't shown much interest in coloring or playing with Play Doh yet, so we haven't really delved into the arts and crafts. He was game to make an attempt, though, and fetched his small rectangle of yellow paper, his larger rectangle of brown, and his glue stick from the middle of the room. When asked to retrieve a black crayon from the tub, he dumped the whole thing on the floor, but he did help me pick up the mess. I let him hold the crayon and guided his hand to make circles for the eyes and smaller colored-in black circles for the pupils. He smudged glue onto the backs of the cut-out pieces and patted them into place on his lunch sack. Once the puppet was done, he was not so sure about it and initially protested when I made it say hello. But then the librarian sang a little owl song that we were all supposed to act out with our puppets, and he decided the puppet was okay after all. He had me sing the song over and over on the way home while he made his puppet hop up and down and flap its wings and lay down to go to sleep. My favorite part was when he held it up and announced "Owl. Mama built it!" I suppose it's kind of uncool to have your day made by a few scraps of construction paper and a lunch bag, but I am okay with being uncool.


Lately, parental consistency and two have been colliding a lot at naptime. After all the new experiences at the library Nico was super tired but mightily resisting nappage. After back pats and cuddling and playing songs on his Scout dog failed to induce slumber, I put him in his crib with the hope that he'd be sleepy enough to drift off on his own. Instead, he sang and chattered away to himself for a solid hour while I read blogs on my phone and pondered what I should do. Make him stay in his bed for the full two hours he should've been sleeping, even though he obviously wasn't going to sleep? Or collect him, put on our jackets, and head to the playground on a rare 58-degree January day?

Sometimes consistency is overrated.

The breath is the fire

As an adult I have grown out of most of the once-overt symptoms of my ADHD, just as my teen-years specialist predicted I would. I stopped taking Concerta when we started trying to conceive Nico and very luckily never needed to resume treatment. One thing I still have, something I definitely view as an asset, is an immense capacity for multitasking. At home and especially at work, I can bounce easily from project to project, holding several threads at all times. When I'm at my best it's exhilarating, and I skate along the knife's edge gleefully juggling chainsaws and machetes and live chickens. Even at rest, my brain kind of whirs along. It has always amazed me that I can ask MB as we're going to sleep, "What are you thinking about?" and he can honestly answer, "Nothing." I'm never not thinking about something, or several somethings, and it's always been this way.

I remember once when I was about eight years old, my dad set up our tent in the backyard and we had a practice camp-out. With the excitement of the adventure, I couldn't sleep. I told my dad I didn't know how to fall asleep and he advised me to just lie still and not think about anything. It was a mystifying concept. Not think of anything? I'd never done it. I tried and tried and can still recall one perfect moment of utter blankness, which startled me so much that I immediately started thinking about it. The closest I can usually get to not thinking is to think "Don't think! Stop thinking!" which is about as relaxing as you'd imagine.

Other than when I'm asleep - when I'm usually busy having vivid action-movie-style dreams - my best bet for finding moments of quiet and inner peace is to go to yoga class. I've been practicing yoga off and on since college, and I keep going back to it. Part of it is that my body just seems to really like yoga - I'm strong and flexible in the ways that work for yoga, and I like the calm of it. I did a weekly yoga class during my entire pregnancy with Nico and it was often a challenge to focus and not sit in a pose going over my grocery list or what we still needed to do for the baby's room. I went back for six months or so after Nico was born, but ended up dropping yoga in favor of cardio boot camp in the interest of getting the most bang for my once-a-week gym visit buck.

And then, almost exactly a year ago, a new-ish power yoga studio about three minutes from my house had a week of free classes and I went to one. It was my first real experience with Ashtanga yoga and it was one of those cliche-inspiring big-life-moment things, literally the best yoga class I'd ever been to in my life. I worked my ass off and sweated buckets and my body detoxed so hard that I felt like I had a hangover the next morning (to the point of waking up craving a breakfast egg biscuit and sucking down Advil and water all day). I felt awful and it was awesome. I went back two nights later and did it again. This yoga, it's work. I'm so busy just keeping up and keeping track of what we're doing that I don't think about anything for an hour and fifteen minutes, nothing but the breath and the flow and probably how bad my quads hurt. I love the practice and I love the people just as much. There are a few skinny girls with tiny boobs and pert yoga butts, but there are also girls my age with post-baby bellies and middle-aged men with soft middles. The owner and main instructor is one of the most kind and cheerful people I've met, but never in an annoying way. There's not a lot of chit-chat before class, but there's something great about fighting through some never-ending Warrior series and having the entire class let out a burst of relieved laughter along with you when the instructor finally says, "And…down to high plank."

One of my New Year's resolutions is to make it to Saturday yoga classes as often as possible now that I don't have to work every weekend. I went yesterday for the intermediate / advanced class and had my ass handed to me by a tiny, intense guest instructor. At the beginning she asked us to set an intention for our practice and I picked "peace," hoping I'd be able to let the hamster off the wheel and just be present in the moment. Then I was too busy sweating and trying to keep up with her to think about anything else. The thinking fired up again at the end, as I lay in corpse pose failing to be quietly at rest. And then, as if she could see me thinking, the instructor leaned over and adjusted my shoulders, repositioned my head, massaged my temples, and tapped me lightly in between the eyes with her finger before gliding off to fix someone else. We're all a work in progress, it seems.


Reading:  I'm With the Bears: Short Stories from a Damaged Planet

Playing:  a mix I made for a friend years ago

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Weekend of win

We had a weekend of actually being social, which we don't do often enough. Nico and I were invited to the children's museum by one of our playdate mom / kid pairs. It was a good trip, though I had a really hard time tearing Nico away from the rice bin and its assorted toy front loaders. Next time I might make him go through the rest of the exhibits first, but it's going to be difficult since he remembers the rice bin is there. I did, after two aborted attempts, get him to play in the water room with the other toddler for about half an hour. I felt kind of like a jerk before that because they'd invited us and given us guest passes, and then Nico didn't want to run around with his buddy, he just wanted to scoop rice, all day long. I try to let him direct his own experiences as much as possible in these kind of situations but come on, kid…don't be rude!

I recently reconnected with a once-close college friend via facebook. He and I had coffee a couple of weeks later, then MB and Nico and I met him for dinner one night, and then two Wednesdays in a row he went to a wine tasting with MB and hung out at our house afterward for games of Settlers of Catan. This past Saturday his fiancé was in town, so they both came over for dinner and assorted…social games? Blokus, Boxers or Briefs, and Mexican Train dominoes. What do you call those? They're not board games, but just "games" sounds kind of suggestive. Party games is kind of shady, too, plus it implies more people than four. Table games, maybe? It was a lot of fun and we're already looking forward to the next time we can get together.

Sunday was low key - some errands by myself and then lots of football. On Monday, Nico's library story time started back up after the winter break, so we went to that and then had a playdate with a different mom / kid pair. The last time we went to their house, Nico cried on my lap for twenty minutes before he'd even look at the other kids, but this time he was cheery and friendly from the minute we arrived. He played nicely with the other kid's toys, ate his lunch with gusto, and even helped me pick up before we left. Socialization success! And then this happened about three minutes after we departed:

Hee!

Overall, it was a pretty kickass weekend.


Reading:  (just finished) How to Get Divorced by 30:  My Misguided Attempt at a Starter Marriage by Sascha Rothchild

Playing:  this NPR tiny desk concert, over and over:



(the second track is my favorite)

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Multimedia

Read

I finished my first book of the year last night, the enjoyable Silence by Becca Fitzpatrick. In the previous two books (especially the second) I often found protagonist Nora gratingly shrill and stereotypically teenage-temper-tantrummy, but she was MUCH better in this one. Cliffhanger ending, though, just like the second book. Be warned.

Did I ever tell you about my favorite book from last year? I don't think I did. It was The Scorpio Races by Maggie Stiefvater. She wrote the Mercy Falls werewolves trilogy (Shiver, etc) which I liked quite a lot until I read The Scorpio Races. Maybe this is stupid to say about an author I totally don't know personally, but I feel like this was the book she was meant to write. The wolf books are entertaining - I really liked the first one, thought the second was so-so, and then liked the third one enough that it made me want to go back and start over - but this one, my God. It's wonderful. Highly, highly recommend. After reading the library's copy, I bought it in hardcover for myself which I never, ever do and then got it for my sister for Christmas.

Watch

I've ripped through the first disc of Daria from Netflix and have almost finished the second. I'm pleased to report that it does stand the test of time quite well. I'm enjoying it very much even as a more or less fully-fledged adult. I'm also watching bunches of football playoff games…am I the only one? Possibly.

Play

My new boss and I have heavily overlapping musical tastes and usually at least once a week he starts rocking out to something semi-obscure that I've loved forever on his computer and I turn around in my chair and exclaim, "Is that Black Rebel Motorcycle Club / the Cowboy Junkies / Regina Spektor?" Last week he called me over to his desk to play this for me, and I have been YouTubing the SHIT out of this chick (Trixie Whitley) ever since. Please listen, I don't think you'll be disappointed:




Reading:  Science Ink:  Tattoos of the Science Obsessed by Carl Zimmer

Playing:  an old mix I found while cleaning

Two

Dear Nico,

Today, Little Son, you are two. You are a beam of light, a ball of energy, a little piece of amazing. I never knew that I could love so much, that the love I felt for you yesterday, last week, a month ago, a year ago, it was all just the beginning.

Things I want to remember about you on the day you turn two:

You have a delicious, rich giggle.
You have the brightest eyes.
You have a sweet, tiny voice.
You have the softest curls.
You still have one tiny set of chub rolls left on your thighs and a round tummy.
You are a good kid, almost all the time.

You're big and healthy and bright, and I hope fervently every day that I can always say these things. Today is a day to brag, so let me indulge. You know your alphabet, both capitals and lowercase. You can count to ten and identify all the digits 1 - 10. You know all your colors and just about every shape, even the impressive ones like crescent and semicircle and trapezoid. You've started to learn the letters that words begin with, and can proudly tell me that "daddy" starts with D and "mama" starts with M. Your language skills have exploded over the last two months, both in enunciation and vocabulary.

You can play a 2 x 4 spread of Memory on the iPhone. You're getting better at sharing and playing with other kids. You almost always say "please" and we're working on "thank you" and "excuse me." Your favorite toys are trucks, but you're also starting to get into blocks. You love books, which is fabulous. Through you, with you, I'm learning to see the world all over again. And little dude, it is awesome. You are awesome. Happy, happy birthday.

Love,
Mama

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Year of Decluttering II

Last February I posted about my quest to declutter my entire house. I updated the list sporadically through the year and decided tonight to repost the updated version with the hope that seeing it more often will keep me motivated to continue Cleaning All the Things*. I guess my list probably doesn't look all that impressive, but I can already see a vast difference in the house and in my mindset about my belongings. Things still go through the typical cycle of getting gradually cluttered-up and then cleaned up, but overall there is so much less stuff in our living space and it's awesome. The more I get rid of, the more I want to get rid of, which is quite useful.

As before, throwing out includes throwing away, giving away, donating to Goodwill, or selling, so most of the stuff on my list will (hopefully) not be stuff that went to the dump.

Throw Out All the Things
1. a big bag of non-preferred plastic food storage containers freecycled
2. four reusable water bottles freecycled
3. the old gas stove in the basement scrapped
4. non-Vista-compatible flatbed scanner given to MB's coworker
5. the remainder of Nico's powdered baby formula given to my coworker
6. all the expired food that was collecting dust (and guilt) in the pantry thrown out
7. National Geographic subscription allowed to expire (I'm counting this since for years I got the magazine but never made time to read it.)
8. seven eight boxes of stuff to consignment shop
9. leaky exercise ball that I never used because it was always half flat thrown away
10. 90% of the empty boxes from the shelves in the furnace room recycled
11. outdoor trash can full of crap from shed thrown away
12. bag of cat-hair-covered curtains from our last apartment + raggedy old throw blanket thrown away
13. three five boxes to Goodwill
14. one box of items posted on freecycle
15. worm composting bin cleaned out and loaned to my workplace
16. five (!) boxes of books donated to a fundraiser sale for the dog rescue that saved Indy
17. six boxes of stuff + a spare crock pot, dust buster, and rocking chair sold in a yard sale / packed up for consignment / donated to Goodwill / freecycled
18. set of extra (crappy) hand weights freecycled
19. garbage bag full of bubble wrap and packing peanuts freecycled
20. cool but space-hogging never-used owl mug tree set consigned
21. five pairs of too-small / raggedy jeans Goodwilled
22. kitty litter box freecycled
23. basket of expired baking chips thrown out (sadness!)
24. two shopping bags full of lotions, soaps, and other pamper-y stuff donated to women's shelter
25. whole bunch of old earrings passed on to mom and sister
26. four cool (but stored under the bed since JUNE 2004 WTF) Japanese panels consigned
27. two old TVs freecycled
28. giant box of borrowed maternity clothes returned to friend
29. two three boxes of non-preferred kid clothes sold on Craigslist
30. five pairs of old glasses donated to the Lions Club
31. box of wire hangers freecycled
32. old cabinet, spare high chair, and unused tent sold on Craigslist
33. three CD racks and a box of stuff consigned


Organize All the Things
1. Nico's bitty baby clothes sorted by size into plastic tubs and carried up to the attic
2. outgrown Nico jackets, bitty baby items / toys, and bitty baby bedding / swaddlers sorted into plastic tubs
3. currently-too-big Nico hand-me-downs sorted by size into boxes and stacked in the closet
4. outgrown Nico baby gear Tetrised into guest room closet
5. quote obtained for list of small home repair items we can't complete ourselves
6. breast pump and accessories washed and packed away
7. small home repairs done!
8. shed cleared out and organized
9. last of yard sale remnants sorted into three boxes for consignment and one (small!) one to keep
10. one box from bedroom pile sorted and put away
11. hand weights moved into a basket on the entertainment center instead of lying on the floor and serving as dog hair traps
12. breakfast nook / mudroom organized and top of dog crate cleared
13. whole bookcase of college books and notes carried down to new storage cabinets in the basement


14. basement decluttered!
15. gift wrapping supplies sorted and moved from guest room to basement

How many gift bags does one family need? Probably not this many.

16. two shelves on living room bookcase cleared / consolidated to make space for Nico things


17. buffet storage decluttered and reorganized
18. space cleared on top of bookcase for Nico's library books
19. bathroom cabinets purged of all unused and unneeded items
20. one three boxes emptied and removed from Box Mountain
21. all my pre-baby clothes removed from guest room closet and stored neatly in my own
22. guest room bookcase cleared of non-kid stuff
23. two of three bookcases in master bedroom decluttered & reorganized...now that they've been cleared of the useless hoardy crap, I have an ENTIRE shelf empty for more books!
24. After two years and 14 days, I finally framed Nico's hospital photo and newborn footprints. Hopefully it won't be another two years before I hang them on the wall. (Though he shouldn't feel too neglected. I've been married for seven years and still haven't framed a single wedding photo.)
25. busted drawers replaced with nice window bench
26. VHS movies moved into cabinet in playroom
27. third bedroom bookcase decluttered and organized


Decluttering & Organizing Goals for 2012
1. clear out guest room
2. finish clearing  LAST box stack mountain in master bedroom
3. clean out dining room buffet storage
4. reorganize game collection and pare down if needed
5. reorganize / optimize linen cabinet
6. reorganize / optimize / pare down craft supply closet
7. move all important papers to basement filing cabinet
8. buy a new shredder and take care of stacks of to-shred papers
9. hang caterpillar quilt in Nico's room
10. hang diplomas, family photos, art, etc.
11. transition Nico into big boy bed


2012 Consignment & Craigslist Profit: $231

Following Directions

I have to tell you this Nico story because he has this thing he does, and it kills me with cute every. damn. time. Maybe a month before Christmas, I took a quick spin through Goodwill and bought him a half-size farm-themed See 'n Say for the grand price of one dollar.

Nico knew how it was supposed to work, having one at Grandma's house, but he was completely unable to actually operate it. There were many incidents of rapidly escalating hand-flaps and whining as the toy repeatedly failed to play "The Farmer in the Dell" when told to do so by Nico's fearsome mind powers.

MB coached him with eternal, kind patience. He must've told our child, "Move the arrow so it points to the song, then pull the handle" at least a hundred times. Nico soon was doing exactly what he thought his father suggested -- moving the arrow at random, pointing emphatically to the musical notes sticker with his finger, and pulling the handle -- then getting really pissed when it still didn't work. We realized the problem because he narrates his life constantly and was saying, "Move arrow, point song" each time. So of course he was furious that it didn't work...he was following directions, dammit!

Even now, when he seems to have figured it out, he'll move the arrow to point to the musical notes, stab at the notes forcefully with his finger a few times, and then pull the handle. Every time. And it slays me, every time.

Our hill to die on

MB: Did you see that email I sent you about the Oxford comma?

vbg: No, I haven't opened it yet.

MB: I need to state for the record that I am in favor of the Oxford comma.

vbg: Good. Then I don't have to disown you.

MB: Just to clarify, I'm talking about the comma that directly precedes "and."

vbg: Yes, the comma that is required to be there.

MB: See? We're meant for each other.

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Oh, look, it's January 5

Bullet points!

>> We spent New Year's Eve day / night and part of New Year's Day in MB's homeland visiting his extended family. I love these people, you guys. Love them. We had early (amaaaaaaazing) country supper at his grandparents' house on Saturday, then spent the night at MB's aunt and uncle's house, which is my favorite place to stay down there. They're fantastically laid back and hospitable and they just adore Nico. On Sunday Nico got to pet horses and twelve-day-old Rottweiler puppies out in the barn. Then MB's uncle took us to the local volunteer fire department. Nico got to sit in two of the trucks and honk the horn. Best New Year's Day ever? Quite possibly.

>> On Tuesday we had a few friends over for a low-key hang out / play games thing, which was also very nice. I'm so glad we got to see our out-of-town friend Norah 3 times this visit…I miss hanging out with her.

>> Last night I shuffled some stuff around on our bookcases to make room for a few of Nico's new toys, including his little train set my parents bought him for Christmas. He'd been excited about it before but hadn't played with it once since I stowed it neatly in its storage tub under his train table in the playroom. Suspecting an out of sight / out of mind situation, I hoped he'd play with it more if he actually saw it every day. (Plus his train table is currently occupied by this marvel of toy engineering, which he received from BoMB and Nie as an early birthday gift.) Wouldn't you know, it worked like a charm. About 30 minutes after I moved the train set out, he pulled it down from the shelf and he and MB played with it.

>> I found out a few weeks ago that Daria is available through Netflix, so I put the DVDs at the front of our queue and the first one arrived today. I'm eagerly anticipating watching it and also hoping it doesn't turn out to be one of those once-beloved shows that is totally stupid when viewed as an adult (*coughSmurfscough*)

>> I made a quick list of decluttering / organizing goals today, so here they are. Hold me accountable, random blog entry!

1. clear out guest room
2. finish clearing box stack in master bedroom
3. clean out dining room buffet storage
4. evaluate game collection and pare down if needed
5. solve living room lighting problem
6. reorganize / optimize linen cabinet
7. reorganize / optimize / pare down craft supply closet
8. move all important papers to basement filing cabinet
9. buy a new shredder and take care of stacks of to-shred papers
10. hang caterpillar quilt in Nico's room


Reading:  Silence by Becca Fitzpatrick and The Omnivore's Dilemma by Michael Pollan

Playing:  Decemberists, Mumford & Sons

Dead Reckoning

Originating with Linda at All & Sundry.

Here are mine from years past:
2006 / 2007 / 2008 / 2009 / 2010

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before? I went to a drag show. It was awesome.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
 Last year, I said: "I want 2011 to be the year of the Great Decluttering, in my house, my professional life, and maybe my personal life, too." I got really close to completing the decluttering project, as documented here. I'm down to a big stack of boxes in the master bedroom and some stuff in the guest room that needs to be moved to permanent storage somewhere else.

My goals for 2011 are (1) finish the Great Decluttering (2) maintain the cleaning that has already been achieved and (3) get back into a regular yoga practice.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
 / 4. Did anyone close to you die?
 Unfortunately these two go together this year. A friend of ours was in a serious car accident in March at 37 weeks pregnant and the baby didn't make it. For a while it looked touch and go for our friend, too, but she recovered. She's now pregnant and due in March again with a second baby girl, but is having some problems. If you're the praying type maybe send one up for them. I cannot even imagine facing that once, let alone twice.

5. What countries did you visit? none

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011? an actual vacation

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? Nothing's coming to mind. It was a good year, but there were no big standout events.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
 I'm happy to say I nursed Nico until he was 21 1/2 months old. For us, it was a huge achievement and something I'll never take for granted.

9. What was your biggest failure? I kind of wish I'd quit my old job sooner than I did rather than putting up with the bullshit for so long, but I guess it doesn't matter overall since I did quit.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? I dislocated a rib while lifting a gallon of milk back in March. Lamest ever, right?

11. What was the best thing you bought? It's a tie between my iPhone 4S and my MacBook, I think.

12. Where did most of your money go? mortgage, paying down debt

13. What did you get really excited about? my new job

14. What song will always remind you of 2011? This is lame, but I can't think of anything that was new this year. I guess I gained an appreciation for Lady Gaga, but I doubt I'll remember that as an iconic experience of 2011.

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:

– happier or sadder? happier
– thinner or fatter? thinner, hallelujah! I'm still overweight but am now at 6 pounds under what I weighed when I got pregnant with Nico.
– richer or poorer? a little richer thanks to MB busting his tail at work

16. What do you wish you’d done more of?
 I wish I'd made more time for writing. My friends will laugh, but I also wish I'd taken more photos this year.

17. What do you wish you’d done less of?
 I've slipped into a bad habit of staying up way too late fiddling around online. That needs to stop.

18. How did you spend Christmas? We had Christmas Eve dinner with my mom's extended family, and then spent Christmas Day with my parents and sister at their house. MB's mom joined us for the weekend, too, which was nice.

19. What was your favorite TV program? We canceled our cable last December and I only bought iTunes season passes for Deadliest Catch and Project Runway. Neither of them really blew my skirt up this year.

20. What were your favorite books of the year?The Scorpio Races by Maggie Stiefvater, Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children by Ransom Riggs, The Language of Flowers by Vanessa Diffenbaugh



21. What was your favorite music from this year? some old favorites have been in heavy rotation all year - the Decemberists, Mumford & Sons, Kings of Leon

22. What were your favorite films of the year? RED, Easy A

23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? As is typical, I had friends over for cake and games. I turned 30 without angst or fanfare.

24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? It would have been really fun to stick it to my ex employer, but I chose to take the high road and not burn any bridges. I'm sure it was the right thing to do, if a bit dull.

26. What kept you sane? Writing, music, friends, and above all my boys.

27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011. Sometimes what seems like a horrible bit of luck can turn out to be a blessing.

How I became a Bambi killer

I've been an apologetic omnivore for years - I eat meat, but I always feel vaguely guilty about it. I think the bottom line is that I'm too lazy and too picky to go vegetarian. If I could know that all the animals we eat were raised and killed humanely, I wouldn't have much guilt at all. Yes, they're all cute(ish) and they all have faces and had mothers, but dammit, we evolved to eat their delicious asses. Okay, that didn't sound right. Anyway, I eat meat and feed meat to my kid and try not to think about the specifics of how it got to my table.

One of my new coworkers fishes and hunts regularly, not just as an occasional weekend thing. As a slightly pretentious eco-conscious environmentally crusadery college student, I would've been horrified. Guns! Killing animals! The horror! But as a much more mellow adult, more power. I honestly have no problem with hunting and then feeding your family with the prey. To each his own, right? When autumn rolled around I found out that once said coworker gets enough deer in the freezer for his family, he'll take requests to be put on the deer waiting list. I had no intention of putting myself on the list, but then our boss pretty much said, "Oh, have you tried venison? You have to get on the list. You're on the list!" and told the hunter to put me on the list. I sheepishly told MB that we were apparently on the hook for a hundred bucks of deer processing, and was surprised when he did a victory dance right on the spot. It seems a coworker of his has been bringing in venison summer sausage to share and MB is a fan.

I had some doubts about actually being able to eat a deer. They're so cute and frolicsome! They're harmless spindly-legged vegetarians! They have big soulful eyes and big soft ears! But sometimes you have to try new things, right? And as another coworker pointed out, you can't get more free range or organic than an animal that lives its life in the wild, doing what it was meant to do. That deer is a deer until the second the hunter takes it. It doesn't get herded through feed lots or run through a slaughterhouse or penned or abused. If the hunter is conscientious, it's a deer one minute and dinner the next. So I left my name on the list and three days later, I got the call and we had a deer. I had to go with my dad to pick it up and take it to the butcher, and it was a bit visceral to come literally face to face with the animal that would be our food.

When we ate the first steaks from that deer tonight, I did pause for a moment and remember what it looked like before, what it was before. I wondered if I'd actually be able to go through with eating it. I have a hard time facing large portions of impersonal pieces of meat, after all. It's the funniest thing, though -- knowing what I know, seeing what I've seen, understanding the balance at play -- for the first time in my life, I met my dinner and was able to eat it without guilt.


Reading:  Science Ink: Tattoos of the Science Obsessed (which I totally recommend!)

Playing:  Yuletide Beat and Tis the Season for Los Straitjackets by Los Straitjackets

Merry, merry

Nico doing the new fire truck dance. I hope your day was full of small moments of joy.

Photo Friday

Turns out my Christmas spirit was packed up with the wrapping paper, because as soon as I started wrapping gifts, there it was. Merry Christmas Eve-Eve, everyone, and best wishes for a wonderful weekend.

Panic! Panic!

I have no idea why the holiday has caught me so unprepared this year, but I simply CANNOT keep hold of the fact that Christmas is this weekend. It literally keeps slipping my mind until something pops up to remind me, and then I get all spazzy and short circuit for a minute. Earlier I noticed a facebook post from the yoga studio where I signed up a few weeks back for a candlelight yoga class they have going tomorrow night and went "Oh, shit, that's TOMORROW? HOW IS IT DECEMBER 22ND ALREADY TOMORROW? HOW?"

I pretty much have all our gifts bought (not wrapped) and the cards are addressed, stamped, and ready to go (other than the prints of our Christmas photos, which have yet to arrive). I don't have much baking to do and we only have one gathering to attend each day of the weekend. And yet, the panic!

I will say this - if you have the time and the right people to invite, I fully recommend having friends over to watch old Christmas specials and eat snacks. We did that last night and it was awesome. Really, seriously great. I wish I could take credit for the idea but we were just the hosts.

Okay, move along. Nothing to see here, folks. I'll just be over here, rocking back and forth and humming.

Four

Oh, Indy. Dear, sweet Indy. Today you are four. Despite all my best intentions, your life has changed a lot since Nico came into it. Daily walks are a thing of the past and your training has somewhat fallen by the wayside. I never resented you or found you grating on my nerves like some people warned me I would after adding a baby, but over Nico's first year I admit I just didn't have a lot of space left at the end of the day for you, attention-wise or emotion-wise. I never stopped loving you, but you definitely slipped into my periphery a little bit. Now that Nico is nearly two and caring for him is becoming less all-consuming, I find that I am appreciating you all over again.

I appreciate your steadfastness, your calm, your huge heart. I appreciate that after two years of mostly letting you be, you'll still sit when told and stay when asked. Maybe you do beg at the table more than I'd prefer now that there's a steady source of fallen Goldfish crackers and bits of pasta, but you don't try to steal food from Nico's hands or tray. We try to make sure you have your own space and safe places to lie down, but when Nico does manage to get his hands on you, you've been admirably patient. Usually you just look up at me with big long-suffering eyes as he enthusiastically pats you on the back or grabs your tail. Even the day he clocked you square in the nose with a truck in his excitement to say hello, you just yelped and looked up at me as if to say A little help, here?

In a perfect life, we'd reinstate those daily walks and weekly training sessions, but in reality, we have a toddler. Things are not going to get any less hectic. I promise, though, to take you out when I can, to take the time to give you a scratch on the head, to appreciate your steady and undemanding company. You'll always be the dog who turned me into a dog person, the dog of my heart. Thank you for being you, and happy birthday. Here's to many, many more.

Photo Friday

View the entire Photo Friday collection on Flickr.

Quite possibly the most horrifying book cover of all time

This post is useless without pics

I'm still running around busy and panicking about Christmas, so here are some photos:

We had Nico's Christmas pictures taken on Sunday, and I think this one is my favorite. Some strange combination of camera settings and lighting just blew the color of his hair completely out, and combined with that sneaky little smile…love it. If he didn't have his hand in front of his face, I'd probably use this for our Christmas cards.

My goofy kid at lunch today. I swear, I do comb his hair. Perhaps he does need an intervention.

Nico and the Eyebrows of Deep Concern, featured with the wonderful Santa who tours the local libraries every year. I'm happy Nico isn't screaming his fool head off, and also that we managed to get a good picture of him on my lap sitting beside Santa after this.

pretties received as part of the Jett Superior Ornament Exchange (and please go read this for a laugh)

The most aesthetically perfect cheesecake I've ever produced, baked for MB's birthday. It made me a little sad to cut it.


Reading:  The Big Year by Mark Obmascik

Playing:  Christmas music, mostly

Photo Friday

View the entire Photo Friday collection on Flickr.

T minus 17

Did you guys know there's only 17 days left until Christmas? Apparently I just realized this fact on Sunday or so, for I have spent the week alternately contemplating, planning for, and panicking about Christmas. I have all of Nico's gifts bought (at least until I find something else I can't resist buying for him) and need just one more thing for MB's birthday (which is Tuesday). Other than that, I think I have three Christmas gifts crossed off my shopping list. Threeeeeehelp.

I'm taking next Thursday off for delivery of a chest freezer we bought online during a Black Friday sale and to hopefully do the rest of the Christmas shopping. Pray for me, I guess.

Our tree is up, but not any of the other decorations I usually get out for the holidays. I keep meaning to get to it and then not.

I have to get off the computer in about two minutes to finish up my ornaments for Jett Superior's exchange because I didn't remember to start those until Monday night.

We took Nico on a carriage ride through the big town park tonight, where they have these big fancy holiday light displays set up. I think he really liked it, even though he was definitely in Serious Consideration mode. He was so tired afterward that when I took him up to his room to get ready for bed, he stretched out on the floor with his head pillowed on his blankie and said "Nighty night, little boy" while I was changing his crib sheet.

Okay, this has turned out lame and disjointed but at least you know I'm not dead. Now I shall go off and finish my ornaments.




Reading:  Explosive Eighteen by Janet Evanovich

Playing:  Christmas music, of course

Saturday! Celebrate!

I unexpectedly had today off and MB unexpectedly had to work, so Nico and I found some ways to pass the time.

in his new dinosaur pjs…size 3TOMG

at Barnes & Noble after Nico saw the big sprinkle-covered sugar cookies in the cafe case and said, "Coo-key, peez? Coo-key, peeeeez?"

It was 58 degrees by the afternoon, so we went for a walk in the woods, as one does.

"Tree up high!"

playing in the bubble rock fountain outside the nature center

In the evening MB and Nico hung out while I got groceries and ran some errands. Because we're going to see all of Nico's little playdate buddies this week, I got my Martha on and put together some holiday treat bags after I got home.

I was hoping Nico would color on the paper so I could use it to make tags for the bags…he was decidedly disinterested.

I was tempted to just sit at the table huffing Play Doh and Crayola fumes all night, I'll admit it.

I realized after the fact that I could've just bought each kid a board book for what I spent on these, but at least they turned out really cute.

Friday Fiction #5

part one
part two
part three

Though he enjoyed hunting on his own, Dominic hated the first week of firearm season for deer. The woods were always crowded with men and teenaged boys, many of them with more enthusiasm than experience. Getting shot by a jackass with jumpy nerves was no way to die, so he ended up staying off the trails for most of opening weekend, restless and worried. A couple of local conservation officers checked licenses on the way in and tags on the way out, so unless he wanted to take his chances hunting in an already-packed field, there wasn't much to do. This year, though, his luck was good. Two days before the season opened, he got a call from his old college roommate with an invitation to spend a long weekend bowhunting on private land in the Upper Peninsula.

Abby was in the wind, having given no word on when she'd be back. The past few months had taught him she might be gone for a few days or nearly a week. She rarely called before skipping town; usually he just didn't hear from her and that's how he knew she'd taken off again. Since she also tended to show up again without calling first, he sent her a text message to let her know he'd be gone for a few days and left the spare key under the loose board at the bottom of the porch steps. It turned out to be a nearly perfect weekend, the weather chilly but clear, the hunting good. He and four other guys spent three nights under a limitless sky, drinking beer and playing cards by campfire light, miles from the nearest road. Even though she maintained she had no interest in hunting, he couldn't help but think that Abby would love this place and its acres and acres of quiet. He was looking forward to telling her about the wolves he'd heard singing every night. He'd seen increasing signs of wolf activity around the cabin all through the summer and into the fall, but he'd never heard a pack howling.

He drove back on Tuesday, arriving home in the late afternoon. Abby hadn't replied to his text message and her car wasn't parked out front, so he drove around to the small outbuilding behind the cabin to unload his share of the weekend's deer meat into the freezer. Once that was done and the truck bed was hosed out, he got his pack and bow from the cab and let himself in through the back door. After stowing the bow, he built up a fire in the wood stove to warm the chilly air inside the cabin and headed out to retrieve the spare key. His steps slowed as he noticed drops of blood on the boards of the porch, a trail leading from the steps to the front door and then doubling back to the steps. He followed the trail, fingered a tuft of fur caught in a rough spot on the boards at the porch edge. Something had crawled underneath to hide, maybe to die. A dog, he thought, or a coyote. He moved cautiously to crouch beside the porch steps and peer into the dim space behind them. As his eyes adjusted to the poor light, he swore in surprise. A woman lay curled in the crawl space, naked and streaked with dirt.

"Hey," he called out, stripping off his bulky jacket. "Hey, are you all right?" He knew it would be a tight squeeze, but he dropped to his belly and wriggled through the gap between the steps and the foundation. His body was blocking most of the light from the entrance, but he suddenly recognized the tangle of blonde hair in front of him. "Abby?" He scrambled forward, ignoring the scrapes and bruises the porch floor was laying along his back as he moved too quickly to be careful. "Jesus…Abby!" She was breathing but unconscious, cold to the touch. It took a painful eternity to move her out into the daylight, trying not to drag her too roughly across the ground but lacking the clearance needed to lift her. He felt like he was back on the ice again, inching toward the wolf, his pulse a steady drumbeat of fear.

He finally made it into the yard and pulled her carefully out, his heart lurching in his chest as he saw blood smeared along her thighs and belly from a ragged wound across the meat of her right hip. Scooping her into his arms, he rushed into the house. He hurried to the bathroom and laid her as gently as he could in the tub, then opened the taps to fill the bath with hot water. Abby had never been shy about her body, but it felt wrong to see her naked this way, without her knowing. He spread a towel across her and did his best to only look where it was needed to clean her skin and check her for injuries. With the blood washed away, he was left with only the shallow gash across her hip, ugly but not severe. The bleeding had mostly stopped already, so he drained the water from the bath, wrapped her in towels, and carried her to the couch. He bandaged her wound as best he could, then stoked the fire in the wood stove to burn high and hot, hoping to drive the last of the chill from her.

Once he was sure she was resting comfortably, he slipped back outside. His thoughts were a tangle, anger threatening to choke him. Someone, something had hurt Abby and left her to bleed in the cold. He paced the dirt of the yard in widening arcs, but no matter how far he circled out from the house, he found only the tracks of a solitary wolf interspersed with traces of blood. There was no sign of the girl's passing, no prints from her bare feet or snagged strands of hair. It was as if the wolf had chased a phantom out of the forest. As the daylight started to fail, he retreated to the house and brewed a strong pot of coffee, then sat down at the table and drank it, staring out the kitchen window as he turned everything over in his head. Abby’s injury didn't look like a bite. It seemed crazy to admit it, but the thing looked like a bullet graze. How had she made it to the cabin with no clothes, no shoes, no car? He sipped more coffee, his gaze miles away. His thoughts drifted again to the wolf he'd pulled from the lake, the way he'd felt on the trail the day he'd met Abby, her odd disappearances. The problem wasn't so much that things weren't adding up, it was more that they were but the sum made absolutely no sense.

She came to slowly, surrounded by Dominic's familiar smell. It was as strong as if she lay in his arms, but she could tell she was alone. She opened her eyes and found she was tucked snugly into his bed in the cabin's sleeping loft, three quilts piled on top of her and soft pillows beneath her head. Lifting the covers a little to peer below, she saw that she was dressed in too-large plaid flannel pajama pants and a University of Michigan sweatshirt. As she moved to push the blankets aside and sit up, pain knifed across her right hip and wrenched a cry from her throat. She fell back against the pillows, whimpering a bit as footfalls rushed up the staircase toward her. Dominic appeared at the top of the steps, his face lined with worry.

"Are you all right?" he asked, stopping and gripping the footboard with both hands, his knuckles whitening.

"I'm fine, I just moved too fast."

"What happened to you, Abby?"

"I don't…" she faltered and closed her eyes, trying to call up anything she could remember. Wolf thoughts were different from human thoughts, wolf senses sharper and stranger. She'd gotten better at translating wolf memories into human ones, but it took effort. She recalled fear, noise, pain. Limping toward what her instincts told her was a safe place, then panicking when she found herself not in a den but at a house that smelled of men and guns. She'd crawled into the darkness to hide. Then the change had come and she'd been left helpless against the cold and weakened by her wound. Later, there had been vague awareness of someone pulling her out into the sunlight, of warm water and a gentle touch. She opened her eyes and reached out toward Dominic. He hesitated only a moment and then came to sit beside her on the bed, his weight solid and comforting.

"Dominic, I need to tell you…" she trailed off, tears welling up in her eyes as she saw the concern in his face. "I should've said something before, but I didn't know how to say it." He picked up her hand and laced his fingers through hers, and she forged ahead. "I'm not what I seem to be, not really. Not at all, actually."

He studied her face for a long moment, his eyes thoughtful, biting at his lower lip. She was ready to swear he looked a bit relieved, but that made no sense at all. Finally he smiled a little and said, "Well...nobody's perfect."